Dating is an opportunity for
socializing, for learning about the opposite sex and for gaining experience in
relating, so that someday when a teen becomes an adult, he or she can make a
good decision about choosing a partner. Here are ways to talk with teens about
dating.
Instructions:
Prepare in advance. Educate
yourself. Dating protocols, and expectations change from decade to decade. Just
as dating in the '60s and '70s was different from dating in the '80s and '90s,
dating in the 21st century has changed since you were a teen. Do your research
by listening to what the teens are interested in and talking about. Know the
information they are getting by watching the shows they watch and reading the
magazines they read. Most teens are interested in having fun, being with
friends and gaining confidence around the opposite sex.
State the purpose. The
purpose of dating is socializing, having fun, and learning about each other.
Not all girls think alike and act alike; not all boys think and act alike.
Dating and socializing gives teens the opportunity to experience the
differences. State this over and over again. Dating is not about choosing a
partner; it's about learning what kind of a partner you would like someday.
Emphasize group activities.
Teens often like to hang out in groups with peers. The advantages of group
outings are that teens have the opportunity to develop a variety of
friendships. On group outings the focus is friendship, not romance.
Talk about the downside of
group activities. Peer pressure can be stronger when kids are hanging out
together. It may be harder to say "no" if everyone is participating.
On the other hand, the group norm may keep everyone in line. Be informed about
what type of group your teen is hanging out with. Suggest they team up with a
friend who they can leave with if they don't feel comfortable in the group.
Share experiences. By
telling stories, both positive and negative about your own dating experiences,
you are opening up the subject in a non-threatening way. Teens like hearing
about the ups and downs that parents dealt with. Did you go to the prom? What
was the worst date? How about blind dates? Do you wish you would have dated
more?
Be aware of the differences
between boys and girls.
Girls often worry about not having a boyfriend.
Reassure them in a round about way, "Honey, the more boys you know as
friends, the better you'll recognize the right one when he comes along
later." Encourage girls to make friends with boys rather than picking just
one boyfriend. Boys often worry that they are not tall enough or strong enough.
Assure them that they are great. Encourage them to make friends. Don't push or
tease about romance. This is a sensitive subject, so be respectful.
Tell teens: It is OK to
change your mind about a person as you get to know him or her. The
"nice" guy might turn out to be a total jerk, or the
"quiet" girl might be the one who is so much fun to be with. Kids
feel lots of rejection when it comes to dating. Let them know that rejection is
part of dating, but it doesn't mean that something is wrong with them.
Hold talks over hamburgers.
Talks about sensitive subjects go smoother when taking place out of the house
and other food. Remember, both boys and girls need good information and good
food. Do not poke fun or criticize. Teen feelings are delicate.
Turn of lectures. Strive for
open, exciting, ongoing conversations. Inquire. If you make the conversations
upbeat, the kids will keep listening. If you scold and worn, they will roll
their eyes and dismiss you as old fashioned.
Be subtle. Ask how they will
handle possible scenarios, but be subtle about it. "Honey, I was wondering
how you and your friends might handle a party with older kids drinking?"
The purpose of these conversations is to gather information about what the kids
need to know.
Teach the power of
"no" and "yes." "No" and "yes" are the
two most important words. We want to empower our teens to say "no" to
what they don't want so that they can say "yes" to what they do want.
Give them opportunities for saying "yes" and "no" as often
as possible, even if it means practicing saying "no" to you.
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